Alvin & the Chipmunks 2 Movie Review

Ever since I was in the sixth grade, I have fought against a curious orthodoxy. It seems that roughly half the American population staunchly believes that Cuteness and Smallness are synonymous. Baby shoes? adorable. Bibs? Precious. Little Tykes plastic chairs? Don’t even get them started.

I have never been satisfied with their reasoning. While I fully acknowledge that most babies are cute enough (mine are, anyway), I cannot go so far as to say that every possession they own is adorable. “But they make you think of the baby,” I was always told. The arguments were delivered with passion and conviction.

Certainly, if my old classmates were with me now, they would all be raving about the micro movie stars, Alvin & the Chipmunks. We all sat through the cartoon many years ago, and now the have, uh, graced us at the Box Office. Again. Are they precious? No, sir, they are not. They are rodents who sing in high voices. Last I heard, there was a different term used for that: annoying.

I went to watch Alvin & The Chipmunks 2: The Squeakquel by myself in the middle of the day. You can imagine my deep shame in pronouncing the words “One for the Chipmunks…” My voice trailed off. I slumped in my chair, afraid I might be noticed by a four year old wondering why the creepy man was watching the movie without his kids. When the film started, I hardly cared anymore. All i knew is that I was in pain.

The Chipmunks “Squeakquel” was the opposite of cute. The music is unoriginal and maddening, and the voice-actors are completely unrecognizable, since their voices are sped up anyway. The plot is simple enough: Alvin, Simon and Theodore go to school, become popular, and meet their future lady friends, the Chipettes, who become just as popular. The two trios must face off in front of the student body to decide which band will represent the school in a larger battle of the bands event. The only problem is, Alvin is too immersed in his own popularity to care what happens to his brothers.

The Chipmunks is not a great film, nor a good film, nor a decent film. No, it is simply annoying. Have there been other movies as irritating as this one? Sure there have. But those ones are rarely defended. Alvin, Simon, and Theodore always get doted on by hovering fans who think they are just too precious. Why? Because they are little. Just like paper clips, sticker burs, swine flu, hearing aides, buggers, rats, and all manner of feces. I trust I have made my point.